If you do these things, you could be harming your adult child relationship.
You may not realize it, but your well-meaning involvement in your adult child’s relationship could be quietly driving a wedge between them and their spouse. Parents often come from a place of love and concern, wanting to share wisdom and protect their children from hardship. But marriage is a deeply personal journey that requires independence, trust, and space to grow—especially without outside interference.
Learning how to shift from a hands-on parent to a supportive, observant presence can be challenging. It’s not about withdrawing love or care—it’s about showing respect for the boundaries of your adult child’s marriage. If you notice any of the following behaviors in yourself, it might be time to reflect and recalibrate your role so their relationship has the best chance to flourish.
1. You’re Offering Unsolicited Advice About Their Relationship
Even with the best intentions, giving relationship advice when it’s not requested can come across as controlling or dismissive of their autonomy. When your adult child or their spouse shares something personal, they may be looking for empathy—not solutions. Jumping in with advice right away may cause them to feel like you don’t trust their ability to handle their own problems.
Instead, try to focus on active listening. Ask if they want your input before offering any. Sometimes, your presence and understanding are more valuable than your words, as stated by Dr. Henry Cloud at Focus on the Family. Giving them the room to grow through their own experiences—even their mistakes—fosters trust and respect. Let them come to you when they truly need guidance, not out of obligation or guilt.
2. You Feel Entitled to Know Private Details of Their Marriage
Curiosity is natural, especially when you love someone and want to ensure they’re happy. But repeatedly asking about intimate aspects of their marriage can make your child and their partner feel uncomfortable or violated, as mentioned by Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein at Psychology Today. A sense of entitlement to those details suggests a lack of respect for the boundaries they’ve set as a couple.
Healthy relationships thrive on mutual trust and privacy. It’s important to accept that your child’s marriage isn’t yours to analyze or manage. When they choose to share, listen without judgment or pressing for more. And when they choose to keep things to themselves, respond with grace and understanding, knowing that privacy is part of a strong marital bond.
3. You’re Meddling in Their Disagreements or Conflicts
It can be heartbreaking to witness your child in distress, especially during a disagreement with their spouse. The instinct to step in and resolve things may feel like the right move—but it’s often a mistake. Intervening can make both partners feel undermined, and it may rob them of the opportunity to grow through conflict.
Most couples need to learn how to handle disagreements in their own unique way, as reported by experts at National University. When you insert yourself into their disputes, you’re not only making it harder for them to develop those skills, but you’re also creating a dynamic where one or both feel surveilled. The best way to help is by staying out of the fray unless they specifically ask for support or guidance.
4. You Frequently Compare Their Marriage to Yours (or Others’)
Drawing comparisons between their marriage and someone else’s—even your own—can be unintentionally hurtful. No two relationships are alike, and highlighting perceived shortcomings based on another couple’s dynamics may create pressure, resentment, or feelings of inadequacy.
Even if you’re trying to offer a helpful example, it’s better to support their unique relationship without comparison. Celebrate their differences, and avoid turning their experience into a measuring stick. Let them define success on their own terms and support them in building a marriage that fits who they are—not who you think they should be.
5. You’re Trying to “Fix” Their Problems
As a parent, your first instinct may be to jump in and offer solutions—especially when you sense your child is struggling. Whether it’s advice about finances, work-life balance, or parenting, your desire to help could actually be disempowering them. Constantly trying to “fix” their problems implies that you don’t believe they can handle things on their own.
True support sometimes means resisting the urge to take over. Let them develop their problem-solving skills together, even if it means watching them face challenges or make mistakes. Your confidence in their ability to navigate life’s hurdles is one of the most meaningful gifts you can give them as a couple.
6. You Criticize Their Spouse Behind Their Back (or to Their Face)
Speaking negatively about your child’s spouse—especially to your child—can create a deep divide. Even subtle criticisms, jokes, or passive-aggressive remarks can chip away at their relationship. It may put your child in an awkward position where they feel forced to defend their partner or keep secrets from you to avoid drama.
Even if there are things about their spouse you don’t fully agree with, it’s important to approach the relationship with respect and kindness. Focus on what’s working, not what’s lacking. If genuine concerns arise, bring them up carefully and only when truly necessary. But in most cases, silent support is more beneficial than vocal disapproval.
7. You Expect to Be Consulted on Major Life Decisions
While you may have been a central figure in decision-making when your child was younger, marriage shifts that dynamic. It’s no longer your place to be involved in every big choice, from where they live to whether they have children. Expecting a say in those matters can cause unnecessary tension and resentment.
Instead, accept that your role is now one of emotional support—not direction. Celebrate the fact that your child is building a life with someone they love. Let them come to you when they need your insight, but avoid pressuring them to include you in every significant decision. Trust that they’ll make choices that are right for them.
8. You’re Involved in Their Finances Without an Invitation
Financial matters are often a sensitive topic for couples, and unsolicited involvement can easily create friction. Offering money with strings attached, questioning their spending, or giving financial advice without being asked can feel like a lack of trust or a power play.
If they ask for help, make sure boundaries and expectations are crystal clear. Otherwise, let them manage their money in their own way. They need the freedom to make financial decisions as a team—even if that means learning through missteps. Your confidence in their independence can help strengthen their unity.
9. You Make Drop-in Visits Without Checking First
In the past, you may have popped by your child’s home unannounced without issue. But when they’re married, their home is a shared sanctuary, and unplanned visits can disrupt their rhythm and privacy. What might feel like a casual hello to you could be seen as intrusive to them.
Instead of showing up unexpectedly, always check in first. A quick text or call asking if it’s a good time to visit shows that you value their time and space. Respecting their home life is a key part of respecting their relationship, and it sets the stage for more positive, welcomed interactions.
10. You Insert Yourself into Their Parenting Decisions
Your experience as a parent may make you feel equipped to guide your child through raising kids—but stepping in without being asked can be damaging. Offering unsolicited opinions on discipline, feeding, education, or bedtime routines can make your child and their spouse feel undermined or disrespected.
If you want to help, wait to be invited into the conversation. Praise the things they’re doing well, and offer gentle suggestions only when appropriate. When you support their parenting choices—even when they differ from your own—you’re reinforcing their authority and helping to build their confidence as a team.
11. You Have a Strong Opinion on How They Spend Holidays or Special Occasions
Holidays often bring expectations and emotions to the surface. You might long for the way things used to be or feel disappointed if traditions are shifting. But putting pressure on your child and their spouse to spend holidays a certain way—or expressing guilt or frustration—can cause major stress and conflict.
Instead, acknowledge that their time and energy are limited, and be open to new ways of celebrating. When you’re flexible and understanding, it becomes easier for them to include you in joyful, meaningful ways. Let your love shine through your acceptance, not your expectations.
12. You Talk to Your Child More Than Their Spouse
Having a close bond with your child is wonderful, but when communication with their partner is rare or nonexistent, it can create an imbalance. The spouse may feel excluded or even disrespected, and your child might feel torn between their loyalty to you and their loyalty to their partner.
Make an intentional effort to include their spouse in conversations, plans, and family matters. Ask about their life, show genuine interest, and build your own relationship with them. This helps to create a more united and inclusive atmosphere that supports their marriage rather than complicates it.
13. You Take Sides When They’re Having Marital Problems
It’s hard not to be protective when your child confides in you about relationship struggles. But choosing sides—even subtly—can inflame the situation. It may make the spouse feel unfairly judged, and it might prevent your child from viewing the situation objectively.
Instead of validating one person’s perspective at the expense of the other, stay neutral and empathetic. Encourage communication between the couple and, if needed, recommend counseling. Your role should be that of a safe and supportive presence—not a judge or jury.
14. You Try to Control How They Spend Their Free Time
You might believe they’re wasting time on hobbies or not spending enough time with family. But trying to dictate how your child and their spouse spend their downtime can be overbearing. Free time is often how couples reconnect and recharge—and they deserve to do that on their own terms.
If you feel left out, share your feelings calmly, without guilt-tripping or manipulation. Open communication goes much further than control. Respecting their need for autonomy in how they rest, play, and bond is one of the best ways you can support their relationship.
15. You Expect Them to Prioritize You Over Their Spouse
It’s natural to miss the closeness you once shared, but expecting your adult child to place you above their partner is a recipe for resentment and conflict. Once someone is married, their spouse becomes their primary relationship—and that’s not a betrayal of you, it’s a part of growing up.
Accepting that shift doesn’t mean losing your connection. It means finding new ways to remain close that support their partnership rather than strain it. When you honor their commitment and celebrate their bond, you reinforce the strength of your own relationship with them.