Learn how to speak up about your feelings without turning every discussion into a battle.

Do you ever bite your tongue when your spouse hurts you, just to avoid a fight? If so, you’re not alone. Many of us would rather keep the peace than risk an argument, even if it means swallowing our pain. But unspoken feelings can fester, creating distance and resentment in your relationship.
The good news? You can express your hurt without sparking conflict. Here are 13 simple, heartfelt phrases to help you speak your truth and keep your connection strong.
1. “I need to share something with you because it’s been on my mind.”

This phrase gently opens the conversation without placing blame. It signals that you want to talk about something important, setting the stage for an honest discussion. By framing it this way, you avoid making your spouse feel defensive. It’s a calm, respectful way to start sharing your feelings without jumping straight into what hurt you.
2. “When you said/did [specific action], I felt hurt.”

Naming the specific action shows you’re addressing the issue, not attacking your spouse. It’s a straightforward way to explain your emotions without exaggeration or blame. According to Crucial Learning, by sticking to the facts, you keep the conversation focused and productive. This phrase also encourages your spouse to reflect on their behavior rather than get stuck on defending their intentions.
3. “I know you didn’t mean to, but I felt hurt when [specific incident].”

This phrase balances your feelings with understanding. You’re acknowledging their intentions weren’t malicious, which helps soften the message. It’s a great way to express vulnerability without making your spouse feel accused. According to Psych Central, this approach encourages empathy, as it focuses on how their actions affected you, not their character.
4. “I care about us, so I want to share this with you.”

Leading with care sets a positive tone for the conversation. It reassures your spouse that your intention isn’t to criticize but to strengthen the relationship. This phrase works because it shows you’re coming from a place of love, not anger. It makes your feelings easier for your spouse to hear and process.
5. “Can we talk about something that’s been bothering me?”

This phrase is a simple, non-threatening way to open the door for conversation. It shows that you value your spouse’s input and are looking for a solution together. The key is to use a calm tone so it doesn’t sound like an accusation. By framing it as a request, you create space for collaboration rather than confrontation.
6. “I felt dismissed when [specific incident], and I’d like to talk about it.”

This phrase directly addresses the behavior without making it personal. It’s about how you felt in response to the situation, not about labeling your spouse. Using “I felt” statements helps keep the discussion constructive. You’re letting your spouse know their actions affected you without accusing them of being intentionally hurtful.
7. “I need you to know how that made me feel.”

This phrase is clear, direct, and heartfelt. It lets your spouse know your emotions are important and deserve attention. By focusing on your feelings, you avoid placing blame or escalating tension. It’s a gentle reminder that your experiences matter in the relationship and that you’re looking for understanding.
8. “It’s hard for me to bring this up, but I feel it’s important to talk about.”

Acknowledging your own discomfort can make the conversation feel more genuine. It shows vulnerability, which often helps your spouse respond with empathy. This phrase also signals that what you’re about to say matters to you, which encourages your spouse to listen carefully and take your feelings seriously.
9. “I don’t want to argue, but I need to express how I’m feeling.”

This phrase sets a boundary right away: you’re not here to fight. It’s perfect if you’re conflict-avoidant because it reassures both you and your spouse that the goal is understanding, not confrontation. By focusing on your feelings, you shift the tone of the conversation toward connection rather than conflict.
10. “I’ve been feeling [specific emotion] since [specific incident], and I wanted to let you know.”

This phrase gives context to your emotions while keeping the focus on you. It’s a low-pressure way to share your feelings without overwhelming your spouse. By calmly explaining when the hurt started, you help your spouse understand the connection between their actions and your emotions, making it easier for them to respond compassionately.
11. “I know this might be hard to hear, but I want us to work through this together.”

This phrase acknowledges the difficulty of the conversation, which can soften its impact. It also reinforces that you’re approaching the issue as a team, not as adversaries. By emphasizing togetherness, you create a safe space for addressing the hurt while reminding your spouse of your commitment to the relationship.
12. “I don’t think you meant to hurt me, but I need to talk about how I’m feeling.”

This phrase balances understanding with honesty. It reassures your spouse that you believe their intentions were good, but it also highlights the importance of addressing your feelings. This combination of empathy and vulnerability makes it easier for your spouse to listen without becoming defensive.
13. “I want us to understand each other better, so I need to share this with you.”

This phrase shifts the focus from blame to mutual understanding. It emphasizes the goal of strengthening your connection, which can make your spouse more receptive. By framing your feelings as an opportunity for growth, you turn a potentially uncomfortable conversation into a moment of partnership and progress.