They don’t realize how much these phrases hurt, but you’ll feel the impact every time you hear them.
You’ve probably heard these phrases before—maybe even said them in the heat of the moment. They seem harmless on the surface, often wrapped in frustration, indifference, or even false concern. But people with low emotional intelligence tend to reach for them without realizing the emotional harm they inflict. Over time, these words can chip away at trust, connection, and emotional safety.
In this article, we’ll unpack 13 emotionally damaging phrases that are more harmful than most people realize. Understanding how and why these words hurt can help you catch yourself before using them—and give you more emotionally intelligent alternatives that actually bring people closer instead of driving them away.
1. “Calm down, you’re overreacting.”
Few things ignite frustration like being told to “calm down” when you’re upset. This phrase instantly communicates that your emotions are unwelcome, excessive, or irrational. It suggests the other person isn’t listening but instead wants to shut you up or make you feel ashamed for having feelings. It’s a way of dodging emotional discomfort by putting the blame on you for expressing it in the first place.
Rather than helping, this response usually intensifies the situation, creating defensiveness and even resentment, according to Dr. Cortney Warren at CNBC. A better approach is to pause and ask what’s causing the upset, showing genuine curiosity. When you hold space for someone’s emotions—even when they’re intense—you build connection rather than deepen the divide.
2. “It’s not that big of a deal.”
Telling someone their concern “isn’t that big of a deal” is like telling them their perspective doesn’t matter. Even if the issue seems minor to you, minimizing it only highlights how out of touch you are with their emotional world. It can be deeply invalidating and make the person feel silly or immature for caring.
Everyone filters life through their own emotional experiences, so something you brush off may feel huge to someone else. Rather than dismissing their response, try saying something like, “I can see why that would bother you.” That small gesture of understanding can shift the whole conversation, Giulia Thompson at Truity shared.
3. “I’m just being honest.”
Honesty, when used poorly, becomes a weapon rather than a tool for growth. This phrase often precedes or follows blunt, hurtful commentary that feels more like a jab than constructive feedback. People hide behind “I’m just being honest” to avoid accountability for their tone or timing, leaving others to pick up the emotional pieces.
Emotional intelligence doesn’t mean abandoning the truth—it means knowing when and how to say it. If your honesty leaves someone hurt, reflect on your delivery, Lolly Daskal said in her blog. Could it have been said more gently? Was it the right moment? Compassion matters just as much as candor.
4. “You’re lucky that’s all you have to deal with.”
This phrase tries to offer perspective but often lands as insensitive and dismissive. Struggles aren’t a competition. Just because someone else has it worse doesn’t mean your pain isn’t valid. When you say this, it can feel like you’re brushing off someone’s pain as trivial or exaggerated.
Instead, aim to validate their experience first. A better response might be, “That does sound hard. I’m here for you.” Empathy creates emotional safety. People aren’t always looking for comparison—they’re looking for connection.
5. “You always do this.”
Saying “you always do this” reduces a person’s behavior to a character flaw and locks them into a negative pattern. These sweeping generalizations don’t leave room for context or change—they just make someone feel perpetually flawed. It sets up a defensive response rather than opening up a productive dialogue.
Instead of labeling the person, focus on the specific action or moment that bothered you. For example, “I felt hurt when this happened earlier” allows for discussion without making it about their entire identity. Specific feedback leads to growth; vague accusations just create walls.
6. “That’s not what I meant.”
This phrase may seem harmless, but it tends to shut down emotional conversations. When someone tells you they’re hurt, responding with “that’s not what I meant” implies their reaction is wrong or off-base. It prioritizes your intent over their experience, which can feel like a dismissal of their pain.
A more emotionally intelligent response is to say, “I’m sorry that’s how it came across. That wasn’t my intention, but I understand how it felt that way.” This shows empathy without defensiveness. You’re not just correcting the misunderstanding—you’re validating the feeling behind it.
7. “Why are you being so dramatic?”
Calling someone dramatic is a fast way to make them feel embarrassed, small, or ashamed for showing emotion. It reduces a legitimate emotional experience to theater, and often causes people to shut down or withdraw. It’s also a subtle form of gaslighting that suggests they’re exaggerating something that might be very real to them.
Instead of labeling someone’s response, ask what’s going on or say, “Help me understand what’s upsetting you.” When people feel seen rather than judged, they’re more likely to open up and work through the issue calmly and with clarity.
8. “Well, that’s just who I am.”
Using this phrase is a sign that someone has stopped growing—or at least refuses to grow within relationships. It often follows a criticism or request for change and serves as a convenient way to avoid accountability. It tells the other person, “I’m not interested in understanding your needs or adjusting my behavior.”
Healthy relationships require adaptation, not rigid self-justification. It’s okay to have a personality, but it’s not okay to use it as a shield against growth. Try saying, “I know that’s something I tend to do—I’ll work on that.” That shows strength, not weakness.
9. “It’s not my fault you feel that way.”
This phrase reeks of defensiveness and disconnection. It may be technically true that you didn’t intend to hurt someone—but brushing off their hurt makes the situation worse. You’re essentially telling them, “Your feelings aren’t my problem,” which can feel cold and invalidating.
Instead, acknowledge how your actions might have impacted them, even if unintentionally. Saying, “I didn’t mean to make you feel that way, but I understand why you do,” builds bridges rather than walls. Emotional maturity isn’t about avoiding blame—it’s about embracing responsibility with compassion.
10. “Stop being so negative.”
When people express hardship or frustration, telling them to “stop being so negative” feels like a shutdown. It may come from a desire to lift the mood, but it often lands as invalidation. People need space to feel what they feel before they can move forward.
Instead, acknowledge the feeling and then gently steer the conversation toward solutions. You might say, “That sounds really tough. Do you want to talk about what might help?” Optimism is powerful, but it’s empathy that allows people to access it.
11. “You’re reading too much into this.”
This phrase can feel dismissive, especially when someone is trying to voice a concern. It suggests they’re imagining problems or exaggerating details, which can feel humiliating. People want to be heard, not dismissed as paranoid or overly sensitive.
Instead of rejecting their interpretation, get curious. Ask, “What makes you feel that way?” This opens up a dialogue rather than shutting it down. It’s not about agreeing with their interpretation—it’s about respecting their emotional experience enough to understand it.
12. “It’s not my problem.”
While it might be tempting to protect your own boundaries, this phrase is laced with indifference. It signals that you don’t care and are unwilling to support someone—even with a listening ear. It may be a defense mechanism, but it often comes across as emotionally cold.
You don’t have to solve someone’s issue to show you care. You can say, “I’m not sure I can fix this, but I’m here if you want to talk.” Emotional support doesn’t always mean action—it often just means presence.
13. “I don’t care.”
Few phrases cut as deeply as this one. Whether said flippantly or in frustration, “I don’t care” shuts down vulnerability and trust. It tells the other person that their concerns, their thoughts, or even they themselves don’t matter to you. That kind of message leaves emotional scars.
Even if you’re trying to disengage from an argument or hold a boundary, there’s a better way to say it. Try, “I need space to think about this” or “I hear you, but I’m overwhelmed right now.” That shows emotional intelligence while still honoring your own limits.