These common parenting mistakes could be why your kids don’t value you now.
Feel like your adult kids don’t appreciate you anymore? That sting of emotional distance isn’t just in your imagination. While your love for them may have always been clear to you, the ways you expressed that love during their upbringing might not have landed the way you hoped. Some of the parenting choices you made—choices that were probably rooted in care, protection, and sacrifice—could have planted the very seeds of distance, frustration, or resentment they feel today.
It’s hard to hear, but reflecting on how our intentions may have been misread or how certain behaviors shaped our kids’ emotional landscape can be enlightening. If your relationship with your adult children feels strained, cold, or even non-existent, these 13 parenting missteps might help you understand what went wrong—and maybe, what still needs healing.
1. You never let them make mistakes, and now they resent your control.
When you constantly stepped in to fix problems or steer them away from failure, you probably believed you were protecting them from harm or hardship. It felt like love—active, attentive, involved. But when a child never gets the chance to stumble and learn from their own decisions, they often grow up feeling incapable of managing life without intervention, as shared by Tess Brigham in her article. That kind of dynamic can silently chip away at their sense of independence and self-trust.
As adults, they may now look back and interpret your help as intrusive or controlling rather than supportive. Instead of remembering you as a safety net, they may feel like they were never given space to grow. What was meant to be loving guidance may now be seen as emotional suffocation, and that could explain why they’re keeping their distance.
2. You pushed them to achieve, but they think you valued success over them.
You likely pushed them toward excellence out of genuine hope for their success. Encouraging them to study hard, get involved, and aim high may have seemed like an obvious way to show love. But if they sensed that your affection or approval was tied directly to accomplishments, it might have made them feel like love had to be earned, as mentioned by Nicole Spector at Better Today.
Even now, they might carry that sense of pressure—that who they are isn’t as important as what they do. They may think of you not as someone who celebrated them unconditionally, but as someone who demanded perfection. That sense of never being “enough” could have grown into a wedge between you, one that feels too exhausting to bridge.
3. You always had the last word, and now they feel unheard.
Having authority is part of parenting, but if you constantly insisted on having the final say—no matter how small the matter—you may have taught them that their voices didn’t matter, as reported by Liz Richardson at BuzzFeed. They may have felt dismissed, minimized, or simply silenced during moments when they most needed to be heard.
Over time, that repeated invalidation can cause lasting damage. As adults, they may see you as someone who never really listened, even when they desperately needed you to. Now, the silence between you might not be due to a lack of love, but from a learned belief that trying to speak to you would never make a difference.
4. You were overprotective, and they resent feeling smothered.
Wanting to protect your children is natural, even noble. But if you monitored their every move, double-checked all their decisions, and wrapped them in a bubble of safety, they may have grown up believing the world was dangerous—or that they couldn’t be trusted to handle it. That kind of smothering, even when wrapped in care, leaves little room for growth.
Now, as they try to establish their independence, they may associate you with the fear and restriction they worked hard to outgrow. What you viewed as dedication might now feel like a weight they had to carry. The result? Resentment, and a fierce desire to carve out boundaries that keep you at arm’s length.
5. You didn’t model healthy conflict, and now they avoid it altogether.
Conflict in families is inevitable, but how you managed it taught your kids volumes. If you avoided confrontation, exploded in anger, or never showed how to resolve disagreements respectfully, your children may have internalized those patterns. They may have grown up emotionally unprepared to handle differences of opinion or emotional vulnerability.
As adults, they might now blame you—perhaps unconsciously—for their own struggles with confrontation or communication. They may distance themselves simply to avoid the emotional messiness they associate with your household. In their minds, staying away is a way of staying safe from unresolved emotional dynamics they never learned to navigate.
6. You held them to impossible standards, and they felt they could never measure up.
High expectations can be motivating, but unrealistic ones can be crushing. If your children often felt like their best wasn’t good enough or that only perfection was acceptable, they may now look back on their childhoods with a mix of sadness and anger. Even when they succeeded, they may have felt they were chasing an ever-moving goalpost.
This pressure likely shaped how they view their own worth today. They might now associate you with the voice in their head that tells them they’re still not doing enough. That persistent sense of inadequacy can create deep emotional distance, as they may prefer to keep you out of their lives rather than relive those feelings.
7. You expected gratitude, but they felt like love had conditions.
You made sacrifices. You gave your time, energy, and resources. But if you often reminded them of those sacrifices or expected constant acknowledgment, they may have felt like love was transactional. Kids want to feel loved simply for being, not because they said “thank you” often enough.
As adults, they might now see your love as something they had to earn, repay, or prove themselves worthy of. That kind of conditional affection can leave deep wounds. If they don’t reach out now, it might be because they’re tired of feeling like gratitude was a requirement for your approval rather than a natural expression of love.
8. You compared them to other kids, and they felt inadequate.
Even small, seemingly innocent comparisons can leave lasting marks. Mentioning that another child got better grades, behaved more politely, or succeeded in a certain area can send the message that your child wasn’t measuring up. Over time, those comparisons may have turned into internalized shame.
Now, they may carry the belief that they were never truly seen or accepted for who they were. That feeling can create resentment and a reluctance to engage with you in adulthood. Instead of remembering your support, they remember a constant undercurrent of disappointment—real or perceived—that chipped away at their self-worth.
9. You prioritized your needs over theirs, and they never felt like a priority.
Life gets complicated. Work, relationships, and personal dreams don’t stop when you become a parent. But if your children often felt sidelined or neglected—emotionally or physically—they may have grown up with a sense of being less important. That sense of being an afterthought doesn’t fade easily.
As adults, they may now carry resentment about the times you weren’t present, even if those moments were necessary or unintentional. Their distance may not be out of malice but self-protection. They’re guarding themselves from reopening the wound of not feeling important in your life.
10. You used guilt to control them, and now they resent the emotional manipulation.
Guilt can be a powerful parenting tool—but it’s also dangerous. If you leaned on guilt to get them to behave, visit, call, or follow a certain path, they may have felt emotionally manipulated rather than supported. These kinds of tactics can breed compliance in childhood but bitterness in adulthood.
Now, they may view interactions with you through a lens of suspicion or exhaustion, bracing themselves for the guilt trip they’ve come to expect. Rather than feeling loved, they feel managed. And that persistent emotional weight is often why adult children pull away from parents who rely on guilt to stay connected.
11. You refused to apologize, and they felt like their feelings didn’t matter.
Everyone makes mistakes, even parents. But when you refused to acknowledge your missteps, you may have inadvertently taught them that their pain or perspective didn’t matter. They may have felt dismissed, invalidated, or as though keeping the peace mattered more than healing a wound.
Over time, that dynamic can erode trust. Now, your adult children might view you as emotionally unavailable or too proud to connect authentically. The lack of closure on past conflicts might still be echoing in their hearts, making it hard for them to let you in without reopening old wounds.
12. You made everything about you, and now they feel invisible.
You may have shared your stories to bond with them or relate to their experiences. But if you frequently redirected conversations toward your own struggles, opinions, or feelings, they may have grown up feeling unseen. Their emotions might have been routinely overshadowed by your need to process your own.
As adults, they may now keep their distance because being with you feels like being erased. They might crave relationships where they feel heard and valued—not one where their emotional space is constantly overshadowed. The result is distance not because they don’t care, but because they’ve had to learn to protect their own space.
13. You gave unsolicited advice, and now they feel like they can’t trust their own decisions.
Advice can be an expression of love, but unsolicited advice—especially when constant—can feel like criticism. If your child felt like you were always weighing in on their choices without being asked, they may have begun to doubt their own instincts or feel condescended to rather than supported.
Now, they may avoid sharing parts of their life with you altogether. What you meant as helpful, they experienced as undermining. This creates a dynamic where silence feels safer than conversation, and your relationship suffers not because they don’t love you, but because they need space to be themselves without judgment.