If you say these things, you could permanently damage the relationship.
You may not realize it, but a few wrong words can shatter your relationship with your adult child. What seems like a simple observation or harmless comment to you might feel like a deep wound to them—one that lingers long after the moment has passed. When communication breaks down, it’s often because the intention behind your words gets lost in the way they’re received. And once those hurt feelings take root, repairing the damage can take years—if it’s even possible at all.
Your grown child is likely doing the best they can, navigating a complex world with pressures you may not fully understand. They still want your love and support, even if they don’t always show it in the ways you expect. If you’re struggling to stay connected or want to avoid creating distance between you, being mindful of what you say is one of the most powerful tools you have. Here are 15 phrases you should never, ever say to your grown-up kids if you want to preserve—and strengthen—your relationship.
1. “Why Haven’t You Accomplished More by Now?”
This question might seem like genuine curiosity, but to your adult child, it can feel like a punch to the gut. It implies that they’re not measuring up to some invisible yardstick you’ve created. Even if you mean well, this comment often lands as a critique of their value, ambition, or intelligence. It can stir up feelings of inadequacy and shame, especially if they’re already hard on themselves, according to Alexandra Blogier at Your Tango.
Instead of focusing on what you think they should have achieved by a certain age, try asking open-ended questions about their goals, challenges, and dreams. Show them you trust their process—even if it looks different from yours. Remember that life paths aren’t linear, and success comes in many forms, not just the ones you expected for them.
2. “You Owe Me After Everything I Did for You”
This phrase can poison the relationship quickly. While it’s natural to feel unappreciated at times, suggesting that your child is in debt to you for being a parent is emotionally manipulative. It reframes your care and sacrifices as a transactional arrangement rather than acts of love, which can deeply hurt and alienate them, as stated by Piper Ryan at Bolde.
Your adult child didn’t choose to be born, and parenting is a responsibility you took on—ideally with love, not expectation of repayment. Instead of keeping score, express how much it would mean to you to feel appreciated. Acknowledgment and gratitude are more likely to surface when they’re not being demanded.
3. “When Are You Going to Settle Down?”
On the surface, this might sound like a casual question, but it carries a heavy implication that your child’s current life is somehow incomplete or off-track. It can make them feel judged, especially if they’re content with where they are, whether that’s being single, exploring different career paths, or living in ways that don’t mirror your own milestones, as reported by Beth Ann Mayer at Parade.
This kind of question can also create distance, as your child may feel they have to defend their choices rather than share them openly. A better approach is to express curiosity about what brings them joy and fulfillment. Let them steer conversations about relationships, marriage, or children, and respect that their version of happiness may look different from yours.
4. “You’re Doing It All Wrong”
Hearing this from a parent can be crushing. Even as adults, children often carry a desire to make their parents proud. This phrase not only undermines their confidence but also suggests that their choices aren’t valid. It positions you as the authority and them as someone who still needs correction, which can feel belittling.
Rather than criticizing their approach, ask if they’d like to hear your perspective. Respecting their autonomy while offering gentle support can go a long way in building trust. Everyone learns through trial and error, and your faith in their ability to figure things out will mean more than unsolicited advice.
5. “You Never Call Me Anymore”
This statement may stem from loneliness or a longing for connection, but it often lands as guilt-laden and accusatory. It puts your child on the defensive, making them feel like they’re constantly letting you down, even if they’re genuinely doing their best to manage a full life.
Instead, try reaching out yourself and expressing how nice it would be to hear from them more often. Let them know you miss them without making them feel responsible for your emotional well-being. When communication is invited with warmth instead of blame, it has a much better chance of being reciprocated.
6. “That’s Not How I Raised You”
This phrase cuts deep because it calls into question your child’s identity, values, and decisions. It suggests that by choosing a different path or way of thinking, they’ve somehow betrayed you or failed to live up to your expectations. It can make them feel like they’ll never be good enough in your eyes unless they mirror you.
Rather than expressing disapproval, try approaching the conversation with curiosity. Ask them to share more about why they made certain decisions or what led them to think differently. This shows respect for their independence and opens the door to understanding, rather than shutting it with disappointment.
7. “Why Can’t You Be More Like Your Sibling?”
Comparison is a guaranteed way to spark resentment and damage your child’s self-worth. It creates a sense of competition where there should be unconditional acceptance and love. This kind of statement doesn’t just hurt—it creates long-lasting rifts between siblings and parents alike.
Each of your children is unique, with their own strengths and struggles. Celebrating one child’s accomplishments shouldn’t come at the expense of another’s dignity. Show appreciation for who your child is, right where they are, without stacking them up against someone else’s timeline or achievements.
8. “You’re Too Sensitive”
This statement invalidates your child’s emotions and implies that their reactions are wrong or exaggerated. It can make them question their feelings and shut down emotionally, especially if they’ve been vulnerable enough to express themselves honestly.
Everyone experiences emotions differently, and just because something doesn’t bother you doesn’t mean it’s insignificant to them. Instead of dismissing their reaction, try saying, “I didn’t realize that affected you so deeply. Can we talk about it?” This response invites understanding and keeps the lines of communication open.
9. “I Told You So”
This phrase may offer a fleeting sense of satisfaction, but it serves no constructive purpose in a relationship. It puts you in the role of the know-it-all parent and your child as someone who constantly gets it wrong. It’s a recipe for shame, not learning.
Your adult child likely already knows they made a mistake. What they need in those moments is empathy and support—not a reminder that you were right. Help them reflect on the situation by asking what they learned or what they might do differently next time, without rubbing it in.
10. “You Should Have Known Better”
Mistakes are a natural part of life, and no one gets through adulthood without making them. This phrase piles on guilt and shame, implying that your child’s lapse in judgment is somehow unforgivable or beneath your standards.
Rather than criticizing their decision, try asking what they took away from the experience. Let them process their own lessons while knowing that your love and respect remain intact. Showing grace in their low moments strengthens trust and keeps your relationship resilient.
11. “You’re Just Like Your Father/Mother”
When this phrase is used negatively, it can feel like a low blow—especially if the relationship with the other parent is strained. It forces your child into an uncomfortable position and drags them into adult conflicts that aren’t theirs to manage.
Instead of making comparisons, speak directly to the behavior that concerns you, without linking it to someone else. Focus on clear, respectful communication that addresses issues without stirring up old emotional baggage. Keep your child out of battles they didn’t start and shouldn’t be burdened with.
12. “I Was Right About Your Partner”
Even if you had concerns from the beginning, bringing them up after a rough patch—or worse, a breakup—can feel like salt in the wound. It might feel tempting to validate your instincts, but doing so can make your child feel betrayed or judged when they most need your support.
Rather than criticizing their partner or decision, ask how they’re doing and what they need from you right now. Let them lead the conversation, and be a safe place for them to land without conditions or smug satisfaction. That’s how trust is built and maintained.
13. “You’ll Understand When You Have Kids”
This phrase dismisses your child’s point of view and suggests that their experiences are incomplete or invalid until they become parents themselves. It can be especially painful for children who don’t want—or can’t have—kids.
Everyone’s journey is different, and wisdom isn’t limited to those who follow a certain path. Rather than using parenthood as the benchmark for maturity or empathy, meet your child where they are and value their insights as they are. This helps build a mutual, adult relationship based on respect.
14. “That’s Not How Things Were Done in My Day”
This phrase often comes across as a rejection of modern ways of thinking or doing things. It positions your own past as the gold standard and subtly devalues your child’s current reality. It can make them feel dismissed and misunderstood.
Instead of anchoring every conversation in nostalgia, try to engage with the world they’re navigating today. Ask them what challenges they face, what excites them, and how they see the future. This opens space for connection and shows that you’re willing to grow and learn alongside them.
15. “I Don’t Approve of Your Choices”
Disapproval can be one of the most isolating things a parent communicates. It slams the door shut on dialogue and makes your child feel judged, rather than supported. It’s a fast track to emotional distance and broken trust.
Even if you struggle with some of their decisions, approach the conversation with curiosity instead of condemnation. Ask about their perspective, and share yours without making it a moral verdict. Your love and presence will have far more influence than criticism ever could.