Avoiding these habits can help preserve trust, empathy, and healthy adult-to-adult relationships.
When adult children face difficult times, the instinct to step in as a fixer or guide can be strong—especially for boomer parents shaped by different expectations. But some familiar habits may unintentionally create distance rather than support. Outdated approaches like unsolicited advice or conditional help can leave grown children feeling unheard or overwhelmed. Knowing which behaviors to retire can strengthen connection, encourage resilience, and foster a more respectful and supportive dynamic.
1. Offering unsolicited advice instead of simply listening with empathy.
Advice often slips in automatically, especially when it’s rooted in decades of life experience and good intentions. But when an adult child is navigating hardship, spoken solutions can land as disconnection—especially if they haven’t asked for input or are still processing pain.
Instead of creating closeness, unsolicited ideas can prompt silence or retreat. A son grieving a breakup may just want to sit quietly on the porch with a mug of coffee, not hear about how dating ‘was different in your day’ or what you would do in his shoes.
2. Expecting gratitude before giving emotional or practical support.
Tying acts of support to an expectation of appreciation can add invisible weight. Kindness becomes a test, and help starts to feel conditional, even when quietly offered with care.
Sometimes, when someone is low, they can’t summon the exact words to thank you. Affection shows up in other forms: a returned call weeks later or a photo of a quiet afternoon walk. Holding space without expecting praise can preserve connection when words run dry.
3. Believing your experience always applies to their situation.
Lived wisdom can offer valuable grounding, but assuming it always fits can miss the mark. Social landscapes shift—jobs, housing, relationships—so what worked before might lack traction in a different climate.
Your past may echo parts of their dilemma, but the dynamics have evolved. Applying past solutions too tightly can ignore how burnout, digital overload, or systemic changes reshape the terrain. It’s a bit like handing someone a folding map in a city that switched to subway screens.
4. Minimizing their feelings with comparisons to your own struggles.
Comparing today’s problems to tougher moments from your youth might seem like perspective, but it can shut down honesty. ‘At least you don’t have three kids to feed’ might intend comfort, but it often feels like dismissal.
Emotions need air, not rankings. A daughter overwhelmed by job stress in a cramped apartment might not be competing with hardship—just trying to name her reality. Letting her speak without comparison can validate her experience without minimizing yours.
5. Assuming financial help should come with conditions or control.
When money flows with strings attached, it can tangle support with stress. Offering to cover rent while questioning every purchase creates confusion about whether the help is help at all.
Power dynamics shift quickly when funds imply control. A check intended as care can come across as surveillance if followed by critiques about choices. Setting clear intentions—without layered expectations—helps maintain trust and autonomy, even in financially tight seasons.
6. Dismissing therapy or mental health support as unnecessary.
Skepticism around therapy often stems from generational blind spots, not ill will. For many boomers, mental health was once a quiet topic or wrapped in stigma—something hidden rather than healed.
Now, therapy is often a lifeline, not a luxury. When an adult child chooses counseling, shrugging it off as indulgent risks severing trust. Much like choosing a physical therapist after surgery, seeking a psychologist shows commitment to recovery, not weakness or ego.
7. Blaming their challenges on laziness or lack of discipline.
Attributing hardship to laziness overlooks layered struggles like anxiety, burnout, or economic instability. Dismissing a son’s job loss as a lack of hustle can erode his self-worth rather than motivate change.
Frustration may mask fear, but careless labels cause harm. A daughter avoiding calls might be frozen in depression, not ignoring duties. Pausing assumptions allows space to recognize pain under performance, where support can reach instead of rebound.
8. Trying to fix problems instead of letting them process emotions.
Trying to solve instead of support can feel like control, not care. When someone shares pain, they often seek connection before solutions—to be heard before helped.
Jumping into action too soon shifts the focus from their emotions to your agenda. A daughter sobbing on the couch might need a hand to hold more than a list of action steps. Waiting through discomfort can be its own form of love.
9. Relying on outdated roles instead of seeing them as peers.
Traditional parenting roles often default to authority, but adult relationships thrive on mutuality. Clinging to outdated hierarchies—like lecturing instead of conversing—can stifle grown children seeking equal footing.
Treating them as peers builds dignity. A father who once set curfews might instead discuss job fears over coffee, side by side. Shared vulnerability reshapes the space from parent-child to adult-adult, making room for deeper honesty on both ends.
10. Using guilt to influence their decisions or directions.
Guilt as persuasion often backfires, especially when masked as concern. Remarks like ‘After all I’ve done for you’ can cloud decisions with shame rather than clarity.
That emotional pressure may steer choices, but rarely strengthens trust. A son mulling a cross-country move might hesitate—not for logistics, but to avoid disappointing you. When support replaces guilt, love stays visible, even through difficult distance.