Say these phrases to your spouse and you’ll slowly drive them away.
You might not realize it, but your words could be destroying your marriage. The wrong phrases, repeated over time, chip away at love and trust. Some sound harmless, even logical, but they leave your spouse feeling dismissed, unappreciated, or completely alone. If you keep saying these things, don’t be surprised when your partner starts pulling away. Emotional distance doesn’t happen overnight—it builds slowly, phrase by phrase, until one day, they stop trying.
If you want a healthy, lasting relationship, it’s time to drop these toxic phrases. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to fix.
1. It’s condescending to say “You’re being too sensitive.”
Telling your spouse they are too sensitive dismisses their emotions entirely. It makes them feel like their feelings are exaggerated, ridiculous, or not worth acknowledging. No one wants to feel belittled when they are trying to express their emotions. If this phrase is used often, your spouse may stop opening up to you. Emotional withdrawal is one of the first signs that a relationship is breaking down.
A better approach is to acknowledge their feelings instead of judging them. Try saying, “I can see this really bothers you.” Giving them space to explain their emotions shows you care about their perspective. Validating their feelings helps strengthen emotional intimacy and prevents resentment from building.
2. It’s dismissive and hurtful to say “I don’t care.”
Saying you don’t care makes your spouse feel like their thoughts and feelings are meaningless. Even if you don’t have a strong opinion on something, this phrase can come across as cold and indifferent. A marriage thrives on connection and communication, and words like this weaken that bond. Over time, they may stop sharing things with you because they feel unheard.
Instead of saying you don’t care, try expressing trust in their judgment. A better response would be, “I trust you to decide.” This small shift in words reassures your spouse that their input is valuable. Showing even a little interest makes them feel respected and appreciated.
3. It’s toxic to say “You always do this.”
Using phrases like “You always do this” unfairly generalizes your spouse’s behavior, according to Sojourn Partner. No one wants to be told that all their actions boil down to a single negative trait. It makes them feel judged, misunderstood, and defensive. This phrase turns disagreements into accusations, making productive conversations nearly impossible.
A healthier approach is to address the specific situation without exaggeration. Try saying, “I’ve noticed this has happened before, and it bothers me.” Framing your concerns in a specific and constructive way encourages honest dialogue. Attacking patterns instead of the person leads to a more open and solution-driven conversation.
4. It’s hurtful to say “I’m done talking about this.”
Shutting down a conversation signals that your spouse’s concerns don’t matter to you. It tells them that their feelings are inconvenient or unworthy of discussion. Even if the conversation is frustrating, cutting it off abruptly only deepens the problem. Emotional walls go up when one partner consistently dismisses difficult conversations.
Instead of shutting down, acknowledge that you need a break without ending things completely. Try saying, “I need a moment to think about this, but I want to talk later.” This keeps the door open for communication while also allowing you to cool off. Healthy discussions take time and patience.
5. It’s damaging to say “You’re just like your mother.”
Comparing your spouse to a family member, especially in a negative way, is deeply hurtful. It shifts the conversation from the issue at hand to a personal attack. No one wants to feel like they are being reduced to a stereotype or an unfavorable comparison. These words create defensiveness and resentment instead of problem-solving.
A better way to express frustration is to focus on the actual issue. Say, “I’ve noticed this pattern, and I want to talk about it.” This keeps the conversation about the behavior rather than turning it into an insult. Addressing concerns with respect strengthens your connection instead of tearing it down.
6. It’s dismissive to say “Calm down, it’s not a big deal.”
Telling your spouse to calm down often has the opposite effect. It minimizes their emotions and makes them feel like they are overreacting. Everyone experiences situations differently, and what seems small to you might feel overwhelming to them. This phrase makes them feel unheard and unimportant.
A better response is to validate their feelings before offering perspective. Say, “I can see this upsets you—let’s talk about it.” This shows empathy and invites them to share their thoughts without judgment. Listening first makes them feel valued instead of dismissed.
7. It’s unfair to say “If you really loved me, you would…”
Using love as leverage in an argument is manipulative. It puts your spouse in a position where they feel pressured to prove their love. This phrase creates guilt and resentment rather than understanding. Love should never be used as a bargaining tool in a relationship.
A healthier approach is to express your needs directly without conditions. Try saying, “I would really appreciate it if you could do this for me.” Making requests instead of ultimatums encourages cooperation instead of conflict. Respectful communication builds trust and emotional security.
8. It’s selfish to say “That’s your problem, not mine.”
Marriage is about partnership, not separation. Telling your spouse that their problem isn’t yours sends the message that you don’t care. Relationships thrive when both people feel supported, especially in tough times. Dismissing their concerns creates emotional distance and deepens their struggles.
A better way to respond is to offer empathy, even if you don’t have the solution. Try saying, “I know this is tough—how can I help?” Even small gestures of support can make a big difference. Being there for your spouse strengthens your relationship in ways that words alone cannot.
9. It’s cruel to say “I regret marrying you.”
Few phrases are more damaging than telling your spouse you regret marrying them. Even if said in anger, it leaves a lasting wound. These words make them question your commitment and can create deep emotional scars. Trust and security crumble when one partner feels unwanted.
Instead of making drastic statements, express frustration without attacking your marriage. Say, “I’m really upset right now, and we need to talk.” Addressing the issue without threats or regret keeps the conversation constructive. Words spoken in anger can’t always be taken back.
10. It’s hurtful to say “I don’t find you attractive anymore.”
Telling your spouse you no longer find them attractive is deeply painful. Physical and emotional connection go hand in hand, and this phrase can destroy their confidence. Everyone changes over time, and love should grow beyond surface-level attraction.
A better way to address any concerns is with care and sensitivity. Say, “I miss the spark we used to have—let’s work on that.” Encouraging intimacy and connection leads to solutions instead of insecurity. Attraction in marriage is about effort, not just appearances.
These phrases may seem small, but their impact is huge. The words you choose matter more than you think. If you want a strong, loving marriage, focus on respect, validation, and open communication. The way you speak to your spouse today shapes the future of your relationship.
11. It’s dismissive to say “You’re just being dramatic.”
Calling your spouse dramatic makes them feel invalidated and foolish. It tells them their emotions are overblown and not worth taking seriously. Over time, they may stop sharing their feelings with you altogether. When someone constantly feels unheard, they emotionally check out of the relationship.
A better response is to listen without judgment. Try saying, “I can tell this is really affecting you. What can I do to help?” This shows you care about their feelings, even if you don’t fully understand them. Emotional connection grows when both partners feel safe expressing themselves.
12. It’s unfair to say “You never appreciate anything I do.”
Accusing your spouse of never appreciating you makes them feel unrecognized and defensive. No one wants to hear that all their efforts go unnoticed. This phrase turns the conversation into a blame game rather than an opportunity to improve your relationship. When people feel unfairly accused, they shut down instead of engaging.
Instead of making sweeping statements, express your feelings without attacking. Try saying, “I sometimes feel unappreciated, and I’d love to hear more positive feedback from you.” Being specific about your needs invites a productive conversation. Appreciation should be a shared effort, not a demand.
13. It’s controlling to say “If you loved me, you’d change.”
Telling your spouse they need to change to prove their love is manipulative. Love is about acceptance, not forcing someone to become what you want. This phrase creates pressure and resentment rather than genuine growth. No one wants to feel like they are only loved under certain conditions.
A healthier approach is to express your concerns without ultimatums. Try saying, “This issue is important to me, and I’d love for us to work on it together.” Relationships thrive when both partners feel accepted and supported. Change should come from love, not pressure or guilt.