How to stay calm and confident when dealing with condescending people
Just hearing their patronizing tone makes your blood boil. You want to put them in their place, make them understand how it feels. And who wouldn’t? No one likes being talked down to. They deserve it.
But more than anything, you want to respond in a way you won’t regret later. You want to look back on the moment with a smile and peace of mind. Read on to discover powerful responses that will help you stay calm and in control.
1. Don’t take it personally (even when it’s meant to be personal).
If someone is talking down to you to make you feel small or to get a laugh, it says nothing about you — but plenty about them (and nothing good).
If someone is talking down to you out of habit but not with mean-spiritedness, it still doesn’t say anything about you. It means they’re thoughtless and possibly oblivious to the way they sound.
Depending on whether or not the condescension is meant to be personal, you can either gently correct them, take note of their behavior (and witnesses), or simply ignore them.
2. Expect it and ignore it.
You know this is just something they do — maybe because that’s the way they’re used to talking to others. If they’re rude, you’re within your rights to simply walk away and let them be their own audience.
If you know they don’t mean to insult you or make you feel small, it’s easier to simply brush it off as something they do out of habit. If it doesn’t hurt anyone, you might choose this response to avoid causing more trouble than their comments are worth.
3. Be upfront and call them out.
There’s no harm in calmly and directly saying, “Don’t talk down to me.” In effect, you’re letting them know you’ve noticed their condescending approach, and you’re not letting them get away with it. It stops them in their tracks and puts them on the spot for a change.
If they try to laugh it off as a joke that you’re not getting, maintain the cool composure. They might try to explain themselves, but if they refuse to acknowledge their patronizing tone or language, you don’t owe them an ear.
4. Invoke their empathy.
Of course, this approach invoking their empathy only works when the other person cares about how you feel or interpret their words or delivery. If they’re convinced they’ve done nothing wrong and you’re overreacting, they’re more likely to dismiss what you say as weakness or silliness.
5. Acknowledge where they’re right and add something to it.
Two can play at this tangent game. If someone talks down to you but says something true, you can seize upon that and draw from what you know to turn the talk in another direction. Add something interesting you’ve learned.
If the intent of their statement was sharp, this would dull it in a jiffy. Do it right, and any witnesses to the insult will be more interested in what you add to it.
6. Excuse yourself.
If someone is a condescending jerk, you have every right to excuse yourself and put distance between you.
Use whatever excuse comes to mind, or simply interrupt them with “Excuse me,” in a calm, cool voice and leave them to their own company. You’ve got better places to be and better uses for your headspace.
7. Walk away and find someone who talks to you with respect.
If you don’t want to dignify their comment with a verbal response, sometimes the best response is to walk away, whether they’re still talking or not. Find someone who manages to have a conversation without talking down to you.
You don’t owe condescending people a chance to finish their sentences or express their whole thought. And it might be better to leave before you make an impression you can’t take back.
8. Practice active listening.
With active listening, you focus on what the other person is saying, as well as what they’re not saying out loud. That way, you can pick up on the thoughts or feelings behind the words they say.
As an active listener, you might respond to a condescending remark by asking them how they are or whether everything is okay. People who don’t usually say hurtful things are more likely to do so when they’re in pain.
9. Let go of any need to control the outcome.
The less invested you are in the conversation’s outcome, the less you have to lose. If they’re talking down to you to humiliate you, but your self-esteem doesn’t depend on what they or any witnesses think of you, they have no power over you.
10. Set and defend your boundaries.
When someone talks down to you in a way that imposes familiarity, their goal is to manipulate you. Don’t let them. This is the time to set clear boundaries in a calm but distinct voice and ensure the other person gets the message: It’s in their best interest to respect them.
11. Document their words and list witnesses.
If you’re dealing with a toxic coworker with a penchant for talking down to people and belittling them in other ways, keep a log — at least for the most inappropriate or offensive behavior. And keep track of who else witnessed each incident.
That way, if your employer asks, you can back up your testimony with other witnessed behavior to show consistency.
12. Recognize passive aggression and respond appropriately.
Insecure people whose condescension is rooted in passive aggression are trying to send the message, “I’m better than you.” Don’t buy it. Deep down, they don’t believe it, either.
Then again, some people talk down to you simply because, for some reason, they don’t like you. The less invested you are in whether they like you, though, the easier it is to let it go.
13. Disarm knee-jerk condescension with kindness or humor.
Some folks are just so used to talking down to people that it’s become their default. And there’s more than one way to handle it when their behavior gets to you. You can also defuse the situation with humor. Laughter helps people relax.
14. Give them feedback, including how it will benefit them to stop.
This is less about how their words make you feel, and more about how not being a condescending jerk will benefit them. Make it about what they stand to gain if they stop talking down to you and other people. Because maybe they don’t care about anything else.
15. Return to Sender.
Some people won’t take a hard look at how they talk down to you unless they’re on the receiving end of it. Even if they are, though, there’s no guarantee they’ll make the connection between your response and their condescending behavior.
You’ll need to be careful with this one. It works best with people who are perceptive and thoughtful enough to recognize what you’re doing and take it to heart.