Words that harm: Thoughtless phrases to avoid when supporting someone in a crisis
When someone is in the throes of a crisis, your words carry immense weight. A careless phrase, no matter how well-intentioned, can deepen their pain or make them feel isolated. To truly offer support, it’s vital to avoid saying things that dismiss their feelings or trivialize their struggles. This article highlights 11 phrases you should never say in these delicate situations and provides insights into why they can be so harmful.
1. Saying “I know exactly how you feel” dismisses their unique experience
Even if you’ve faced a similar situation, it’s impossible to fully understand someone else’s emotions. Experiences are deeply personal, shaped by individual circumstances and perspectives. According to Synergy Therapy, claiming to know how they feel can come across as dismissive, even if you mean well.
Rather than assuming you understand, focus on being a compassionate listener. Acknowledge their feelings by saying, “That sounds incredibly difficult,” or “I’m here to listen if you want to share.” Empathy is about connection, not comparison.
2. Saying “Everything happens for a reason” trivializes their pain
This phrase can feel dismissive or even cruel to someone grappling with pain or loss. In their moment of struggle, it may sound like you’re rationalizing their suffering rather than offering genuine support, leaving them feeling isolated.
Rather than offering platitudes, express genuine care and understanding. Saying something like, “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you,” validates their pain and shows understanding. Focus on creating a safe space for them to share their feelings without fear of judgment or dismissal.
3. Saying “It could be worse” invalidates their feelings
Minimizing someone’s pain by comparing it to worse scenarios is unhelpful and invalidates their feelings. Everyone’s pain is relative, and their crisis deserves acknowledgment, not a ranking based on arbitrary measures of severity.
According to Forbes, a better approach is to validate their experience with compassionate words. Say, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. That sounds incredibly difficult,” which conveys understanding without judgment.
4. Saying “At least you still have [something]” forces unwanted positivity
While you might think pointing out a silver lining is comforting, it can actually make someone feel guilty for their pain. Gratitude cannot be forced, especially in the middle of a crisis, and doing so can leave them feeling unheard. Instead, focus on being present and showing support. Offer a thoughtful comment like, “I’m here for you,” or ask how you can help.
5. Saying “You’ll get over it” dismisses their current struggle
Telling someone they’ll “get over” their pain dismisses the depth of their feelings and invalidates their current experience. Healing takes time, and everyone processes differently depending on their unique circumstances and coping mechanisms.
A more supportive response is to acknowledge their pain and offer encouragement. Say, “I know this is so hard for you. I’m here to help in any way I can,” which shows empathy and patience.
6. Saying “Be strong” creates unnecessary pressure
Encouraging someone to “be strong” can make them feel like their emotions are a weakness or that they need to suppress their pain. This additional pressure can exacerbate their feelings of isolation and inadequacy during an already difficult time.
Instead, validate their emotions and offer reassurance. Try saying, “It’s okay to feel upset—I’m here for you,” which communicates acceptance and understanding.
7. Saying “Time heals all wounds” minimizes their immediate pain
Although time can help with healing, this phrase can sound dismissive and trite. In the moment, it doesn’t address the immediate pain they’re experiencing and can make them feel unsupported or unheard.
A better alternative is to offer your presence and empathy. Saying, “I’m here for you as long as you need,” shows that you’re committed to supporting them through their journey, however long it takes.
8. Saying “You should…” feels intrusive and unhelpful
Offering unsolicited advice, especially when someone is overwhelmed, can feel intrusive and unhelpful. They may perceive it as criticism rather than support, which can create distance instead of fostering connection.
Instead of giving advice, ask questions to understand their needs. Say, “What can I do to help?” or “Would it help to talk about options?”
9. Saying “God never gives you more than you can handle” can feel alienating
This religious platitude can be hurtful, especially to someone questioning their faith or feeling overwhelmed. It implies they should be able to cope without struggle, which can deepen feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
Instead, acknowledge their hardship and show compassion. Say, “This must be incredibly difficult for you,” which respects their feelings and avoids making assumptions about their beliefs. Focusing on empathy rather than theology ensures your support is inclusive and comforting.
10. Saying “Others have it worse” dismisses their pain
Comparing someone’s pain to others minimizes their experience and can make them feel unworthy of support. Their feelings are valid, regardless of what others may be going through, and they deserve acknowledgment without comparison.
A more compassionate response is to simply listen without judgment. Saying, “I can see how much this is affecting you,” shows empathy and avoids dismissing their emotions.
11. Saying “It’s not that big of a deal” invalidates their crisis
Downplaying someone’s crisis dismisses their feelings and can make them feel unsupported or even foolish for sharing. What might seem minor to you could be monumental to them, based on their unique perspective and situation.
Respond with understanding instead. Say, “I’m sorry this is happening to you,” which validates their emotions and offers a sense of solidarity without judgment. This simple act of empathy can make a significant difference during their time of need.